Twenty-five Reasons to Have a Pirate as a Friend

Portrait of Captain Kidd
by Howard Pyle

1. Pirates always know where to find rum.
2. Nobody messes with someone who wears an eye patch, a hook, and a wooden leg.
3. Pirates don’t spend a lot of time correcting your grammar.
4. Pirates Arr cool.
5. Pirates are chick magnets. They always know how to get their hands on booty.
6. When you hang out with pirates, at least you’ll be the best smelling one in the group.
7. You don’t have to remember which spoon or fork to use if you’re eating at a fancy restaurant.
8. If they decide to fire their cannons, you’ll have a blast.
9. If you accidentally fart, you can blame it on them.
10. You won’t be spending too much time in church.
11. You’ll probably be the designated driver of a pirate ship. How cool is that?
12. It’s always Five ‘O’Clock Somewhere.
13. No matter how bad you are, you’ll look like an angel next to them.
14. If you start losing at cards, there’s always a chance the captain will stop the game when he stands on the deck.
15. Pirates know how to seas the moment.
16. You can get your ears pierced for a buccaneer.
17. You won’t have to watch your language.
18. If you forget your deodorant, no one will notice.
19. No one’s going to make fun of you for what you’re wearing.
20. If you spill your Starbucks all over yourself, you won’t have to change your shirt all summer.
21. Pirates won’t nag you to call home.
22. If you lose your toothbrush, no one will notice.
23. No one’s going to ask if they can borrow your comb.
24. Pirates won’t get insulted if you belch in public.
25. Pirates don’t care whether or not you’re on a diet. The only thing they weigh are anchors.