Aaaarrrrrrgh! Talk-like-a-Pirate Day is September 19. Are you ready, mates? Put on yer cleanest eye patch, polish yer pirate accent, and get hooked on a load of rum. Er, I mean fun.
Origins of Talk-like-a-Pirate Day are hard to come by. Some scalawags blame, er, I mean attribute the day to Rover Louis Stevenson, that author of renown disrepute who boldly forged the concept of the pirate in our psyche forever. His book Treasure Island produced generations of pirates, and now there seems no end to them. You can see them everywhere from nursery schools to boardrooms, swinging their plastic cutlasses and raising their schooners in bars and on beaches, toasting the pirate spirit that refuses to die.
If ye want to talk like a pirate, the spelling of the word Aaarrrgh is the first thing ye must master. Some spellings have the word ending with a gh such as Aarrrrgh! Others simply spell the word Aarrr! And make no mistake about this, mates, no respectable pirate would have a conversation without throwing in at least two or three Aarrrghs.
If ye have trouble making your Aaarrrrrgh sound like a real pirate’s, don’t be discouraged. It takes practice. First take a shot of rum or root beer, depending on how much fun ye can stand. Then let the word form back in yer throat like yer gargling. At the same time, roll the RRR as it comes across your tongue. It’s best to do this without letting the rum come spilling out of yer mouth. Otherwise wenches will either cringe or laugh at you.
Sometimes it’s necessary to simply reduce Aarrrgh to its primitive form, Aarrr. This is the preferred use when indulging in a swordfight or boarding a ship, and ye have trouble being heard over the shouting and cursing of other pirates. An “Arrr” is fast and effective as ye swing yer cutlass with one hand while clutching yer rum with yer hook.
Using Arrr instead of Aarrrgh is also useful when forced to walk the plank. It’s a short distance between the plank and the ocean and not a lot of time to shout your favorite profanity: “If I ever get my ********* hands on yer ******* , I’ll shove five ****** up yer ***** ***** ***.” As you can see, Arr works just fine.
If ye really want to blend in with a bunch of pirates, don’t forget to sprinkle yer conversation with a few double negatives. “I don’t want nothing but gold and silver fer me wench.” And be sure to tell the judge: “It weren’t me! I never stole nothing from nobody! All us pirates look the same!”
Another linguistic earmark of a pirate is the use of “I don’t” at the beginning and end of a sentence. “I don’t take no prisoners, I don’t.”
By the same token, everyone will assume yer a pirate when you use phrases like “I will” or “You are,” at the end of sentences. “I’ll be going to lunch early. I will.” OR “It’s a handsome wench ye are! How ’bout showing me yer chest?”
And when you’re quoting what you or someone else has said, end the quote with “says I.” “Ye owe me twenty dollars from last week,” says I. “I bought ye Starbux five times,” says she. “Well, when I want something hot from a wench like ye, it’s not Starbux,” says I.
Below is a list of words to help spark conversation with friends, family, and coworkers. T’aint a complete list, but it’ll git ye started.
Sh-arrr-p f-arrr p-arrr-t
Sp-arrr-kle dep-arrr-ature p-arrr-ty
Sh-arrr-k h-arrr-bor m-arrr-gin
St-arrr-t d-arrr-k b-arrr-gin
Sp-arr-k ch-arrr-ge c-arrr-d c-arrr
While talking like a pirate works well in bars, it also helps pirates who are Klutzes in the romance department. What wench wouldn’t melt in yer Arrr-ms when you’re feeling Arrr-morous if you just know how to caress her back with yer hook as you whisper through yer sn-arrr-ly beard, “M-arrr-ge, you arrr the love of my h-arrr-t.” Jest be careful to change the name if yer wench’s name is Suzie, or Sally, or B-arrr- bra! Otherwise you could be sleeping under the poop deck by yerself.
Ye can even update old songs or nursery rhymes using language the way it was meant to be spoken.
This pirate went to m-arrr-ket.
This ugly pirate stayed home.
This pirate and his wench cried,
“Whee! Whee! Whee!”
As they sailed all the way home.
So this September 19, put on a DVD of yer favorite pirate movie, pour yerself a tall, cold one and enjoy being a pirate for a day. And remember to be p-arrr-ticularly kind to pirates ye meet on Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day. It’ll be your chance to work off a little bad k-arrr-ma.
Smooth sailing on the high seas of life, mate. Aaaarrrrrrrrrrrgh!
Fer more Pirate fun, feasting, and pillagin’ and wenchin’ go to me shipmates at http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html. Yer bound to have a shipload of fun.